64.1 Million Shades of Grey

Today I'm feeling quite political. Maybe it's all these Party Conferences that have been going off, or maybe its just my brain's method of detracting from tomorrow? There has been yet another article in the Daily Mail (for those who don't know it's a newspaper for middle class, wealthy, retired, male golfers - a.k.a. My father in law) about that famous national authority on IVF and Fertility, Kirsty Allsop...Hmm, yes, i was thinking the same. It's a bit like saying I'm a fashion and beauty icon beings as I own two frocks from Top Shop AND had my hair cut today (for the first time in two years.) Apparently, according to the DM, Miss Kirsty (as to further reaffirm how 'with it' they are by allowing an unmarried woman to have an opinion - how very forward thinking of them) women should stop irresponsibly relying on IVF, stop worrying about getting an education, not worry about their career, and just find any man with active sperm and pop a few kids out early. For anyone who knows her, or the Mail, you know this isn't the first time this has been brought up, it's just one of a long line of IVF/IF propaganda. Now, if you read the article again it's probably more likely that it's the way her comments are being presented that is wrong. I don't like her - she is a well known Tory supporter - but in her defence she is quoted as referring to the fact that often it's men who need to "grow up" and for once she doesn't place it all on the woman. I do not agree with her. BUT, I do agree that the population at large think like she is being presented as thinking. Gosh, it's all a bit double-speak, but bear with me, I'm getting to my point. The media constantly portray IVF as a "back up" for career women. They never show the 25 year old woman with ruined tubes due to endometriosis, or the 27 year old man with knackered sperm due to chemo, or the 35 year old couple who have been trying for 5 years since the day they were married. No one cares about that, it doesn't make a good political argument for the scrapping if IVF funding. They don't care that a woman is 40 and has been trying for years, being misadvised by her GP who doesn't actually understand fertility and ovulation and still refers to the "Tampax Guide to Periods" they were given at medical school. And you know what, so what if someone thought IVF WAS a good back up plan, and thinks that 40 is the new 30; that's the way the media have portrayed it for years. No one criticised Simon Cowell for being a dad for the first time in his 50s, but actress Tina Malone was tied to the stake by some sections of the media. Personally I don't think that a lot of the Infertility charities and campaigns help the general public understand the facts. All that gets mentioned is funding funding funding. Sadly, in the current economic climate there are cuts and the most vulnerable members of society are suffering, and that includes the infertile. When any anti-IVF mouthpiece talks it's always about how having children is a priviledge, how the NHS is at breaking point, how cancer treatment is more important. I don't think any infertile would disagree with the last comment, but I would argue that nearly evereything on the NHS is a lifestyle choice of some kind. Treatment for cataracts allow people to read or watch TV, which is a lifestyle choice. Hip replacements allow people to walk, which is a lifestyle choice. Treatment for addicition is a lifestyle choice...oh, but wait, addiction is often a result of mental illness - that's not a choice. Being unable to see, or walk, is isolating and can lead to mental illness and that's not a choice. Having a child, for a woman born with (or even without) a womb isn't a lifestyle choice, it's a natural part of why women are women. I'm being a bit facetious, and I certainly don't mean that women are only here to have children, because they aren't. However, no one can argue with the fact that we have a whole organ system, and brain chemicals, that are only there to procreate - it's as natural as breathing or eating, and not being able to have a child feels like you can't breath. I think it's about time we stopped focussing on funding and started focussing on what it means to not be able to have children, how it affects men and women, that age is not necessarily a factor, that physical debilitating illness goes hand-in-hand. In reality we all have one thing in common, we were all born. If our parents couldn't have children we wouldn't be here (though after reading half way though my rant, I doubt there are many people here right now) and that would be pretty crap. We should focus on the companies who make obscene amounts of money out of infertility, and that includes milking money from the NHS. We should focus on the emotional effects of having treatment, feeling the pressure of society, feeling the pressure of work. Have you read the Handmaids Tale by Margaret Atwood? I don't think we are far off. Women are expected to have a career, bake, find a husband, buy a house, grow organic carrots, save for a pension, get pregnant, breast feed, have cloth nappies, go back to work and do it all again. We aren't supposed to struggle to get pregnant, we aren't supposed to get upset when we can't, we are supposed to take responsibility for infertility, and then we are expected to find £21,000+ to pay for IVF. When we are having treatment we are expected to work. When it fails we are expected to work. Then we are just expected to adopt. I very much fear that Kirsty-Gate is just the start. There is an election next year and there probably won't be a coalition. There will be more cuts and who is going to complain when the cuts affect the people who "made a lifestyle choice," and those people who "left it too late." There are roughly 64.1 million people in this country. Nothing is black and white. We all have our own stories and our own circumstances and we are all on the spectrum of different shades of grey. I don't think I have achieved anything today other than to scare myself with how much I can ramble when I get stuck into a hot political potato!

Pinch, punch, it's the 1st day of a shit month

Last night I received a text: "Hey! Have you had your 8wk scan yet???x" This coming from one of my (several) pregnant friends. I decided to ignore it, but I can only ignore it for so long. Even my husband doesn't understand our baby is gone so how can I tell a friend before I "tell" him? I'm probably going to have to say something like "Next week. Anyway, how are you?" It's just sods law that this particular friend has probably only text me 3 times in 5 years to ask how I am, I just wish that this week wasn't one of those rare occasions. Today my BFF called. I was supposed to be meeting her for coffee and was planning on telling her what is happening, but because her daughter (my goddaughter) has a sickness bug we had to cancel. She called to see how I was, and my goddaughter wanted to say hello as I haven't seen them for a few weeks. My BFF then went on a long ramble "How are you? How's baby? Oooh, I'm so excited and trying not to be but I can't help it! But as long as everything's ok I can't wait! Gutted about today though, but you will have it soon, bloody kids ruin your life you know!" What was I supposed to say. My 9 years old goddaughter was on the phone too. I just laughed (that's the biggest joke of the day) and kept trying to change the subject. It was hard. I ended the call as soon as I could. And then I cried. I haven't cried much for the last few days, I think I'm getting used to the feeling of despair, but today I just let myself sink. Telling people we were pregnant was lovely, and scary, but exciting. I know so many people like to keep it a secret until their 12 week scan, but in the event of bad news I didn't want the first time we told people we were pregnant to be when we were telling them we weren't pregnant anymore. This happened to my friend and I swore I wouldn't let it happen to me. Plus, by the time you get to cycle three your friends and loved ones start to get a basic understanding of the process, its not easy to hide treatment when its been going on for a year, and you run out of excuses. There is nothing worse than people saying "You aren't drinking? OMG, you are pregnant! I thought you had a bump!" when the reality is just that you are in the second month of down reg injections. Besides, I always thought if the worst was to happen I would need my friends - it turns out I was wrong. I don't want them, I don't want anyone. I just want a baby, not just any baby, my little black hole baby. I have a moment everyday where I think "maybe things will be ok" but then that's stupid. I'm stupid. I feel stupid for being hopeful. I feel stupid for telling people we were pregnant. I feel stupid telling people I'm not pregnant. I feel stupid for even believing I could ever be pregnant. Now not only do we have to go through this crappy miscarriage, but I have to go through it over and over and over again when I tell people. I have to go through knowing they are thinking "well, she did tell everyone too early." I have to go through people sending me flowers and pot plants. I have to go through people saying things like "well, it worked once...you can do it again...loads of people have miscarriages and go on to have children...maybe you should give up now...at least you got pregnant." I don't want sympathy, I don't want comments, judegments, or pot plants. I just want to be left alone to grieve in solitude. I just want to be allowed to grieve my beautiful little black hole. However small, and however filled with nothing my little black hole is, it's still MY little black hole.

It's not like it is on the Telly!

I'm having a bit of a rage. After having had a reasonably ok day where I only swore at 3 people with kids (on the Telly, don't worry) I am now back creeping back into the pit of anger. Every time infertility is shown on fictional television it is always shown as a dramatic thing. Jane in Eastenders couldn't have children because she was shot in her uterus, Diane in Hollyoaks stole a child after her IVF failed, and do I even have to mention the most famous film about infertility: The Hand that Rocked the Cradle. The reality is a lot different, 1 in 6 couples experience difficulty conceiving - yes, couples, not women. BUT difficult in conception of a child isn't Infertility, it's where it takes more than 24 months. Can you imagine a soap running a story for that long, no, because it doesn't fit with soap time lines. I understand that, but I also expect that they show some realism in their portrayal. Last months Eastenders had Tosh (in a same sex relationship with Tina) do artificial insemination at home from a sperm donor: even medicated AI only has around 10% success rate first time. Commonly called the "turkey baster method" by people who don't know any better, and shock horror she got pregnant! Yes, she did miscarry, but it was ok, she had a vodka and went back to work the same day. Grace in Hollyoaks had been shot in one ovary and had "an infection" in the other meaning she could only get pregnant with IVF. Strangely enough she didn't have to go through months of tests, scans, sperm analysis, then waiting for the right cycle dates. No, she had a consultation and started injections the same day. They did make a brief mention of eggs having to be collected, but no signs of her struggling to cope with ovaries the size of grapefruits, no side effects from the drugs other than a few mood swings. After EC (which was barely even mentioned, including the fact that its a medical procedure) she went back to work and two days later was out with her friends on an all nighter. After my EC I could hardly leave the house and was just plain ill. Sadly she had a miscarriage a week or so later. Again, like Tina, she went to the loo, found blood, and declared she had suffered a miscarriage. In reality you have to wait at least 7 to 10 days and have an ultrasound scan, or blood tests, to confirm it. You have to suffer the physical pain that is losing a baby. I know I can't expect fictional TV or Films to accurately represent the pain of infertility or miscarriage because I don't think anyone can really accurately present it unless they have been through it, and everyone experiences it differently. However, a little bit of respect would be nice. A bit of a nod to the invasive nature of the treatment. A mention that there is a lot of anxious waiting involved. Not presenting all women having treatment as being able to carry on with normal life. Staying away from infertile women snatching babies. I'm not asking for special treatment, just a more realistic impression of something that affects so many people that there won't be anyone in this world who won't have at least one loved one affected by it.